Mom, I Need a Rifle
by Emerald Griffon
Summary: Continuation of the C&H comic where Calvin and Hobbes decide to survive in the wild. I'm terrible at summaries.
1. Into the Woods

"You know, Hobbes, some people never get to walk in a beautiful forest like this one," Calvin commented with a sigh, waving his hand around to show all the beauty and grace of the towering oaks, pines, and conifers. Beautiful green leaves hung from the trees, forming a curtain of...eh...greenery, and green grass formed a carpet of...green. Calvin closed his eyes and smiled.

"And some people," muttered Hobbes. "face the nerve-chilling prospect of never doing anything else."

"Shut up. We'll find our way home."

"Oh, really?" said Hobbes sarcastically. "Then tell me you recognize this."

Calvin looked around. "Nope, guess I don't. I guess we're _really_ lost this time."

"Thanks to you and your stupid, dorky 'nature walk' idea."

"Shut up. Besides, you were the one who said you saw a tigress babe this way."

"WHAT? I did **NOT**!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"DID TOO!"

"I SO DID NOT!"

"Okay, let's calm down," suggested Calvin. Hobbes panted. His face was red and his fangs were bared. His claws were extended as if threatening to kill Calvin. His fur was puffed up, making him look like an angry cat.

"We'd-better-forage-for shelter," he gasped. Then his face brightened. "This will be fun! We can be modern Robinson Crusoes, living off the land by our wits! We'll be rugged explorers!"

"Yeah! We'll be free from all the constraints of civilization! Oh boy!" cried Calvin. The two began foraging through the forest excitedly, and then...

"Hey, isn't that our back yard?"

"Why, so it is."

The two looked at each other sadly. Their grand adventure had ended as soon as it had started...or had it? The two looked at each other with mischief in ther eyes, and grinned.

* * *

"I don't care how long you'll be gone. I'm only making you ONE sandwich," Calvin's mom informed as she spread the peanut butter. 

"Then do we have any rifles?" asked Calvin.

"No! What do you think this place is?" she demanded. "We don't hunt! We never did!"

"Then what is this?" asked Calvin, dragging up an old, old rifle from the basement.

"What the ? Where did that come from?" cried his mother, dropping the butter knife. She put her hands to her cheeks. "Could it be...the White Ghost?"

"Who's the White Ghost?" asked Calvin, dropping the rifle with a bang.

His mother jumped, and continued. "He is a frightening specter who floats around, never doing anything but leaving odds and ends in basements. The items he places can explode at any time! Throw it away!"

Hobbes had meanwhile been trying to fire the rifle. At last...

**BANG!**

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Calvin's mom. Then she fainted.

"What?" demanded Hobbes. "I was just firing the rifle."

Calvin shrugged. "C'mon, let's take the sandwich."

"Who gets it?"

"Me, of course, tuna-brain! You don't like peanut butter anyways!"

"What do you want me to do? Forage for berries and hunt deer?"

"Well, duh! You are a tiger! I am a helpless human!"

"Helpless? You've got a rifle, haven't you?"

"Well, still, you're faster and be-" Calvin stopped all of a sudden, and clapped his hands to his mouth.

"At last! You admit it!"

"GRRRRRRRRRRR! I'll get you for that!"

And Hobbes ran off, snickering, Calvin chasing behind.

* * *

"Now, what do we do first?" said Calvin thoughtfully. 

"Ermmmmm... search for shelter, of course!"

And so, the two brave, brave adventurers set out on their journey to find lodgings for the night. They came across some fallen trees that would have done, if they weren't rotten and old, likely to fall apart at the slightest touch. They vetoed it in a landslide decision and continued their search. By the time they found a nice, cozy cave, the sun was setting. They crawled inside and soon nodded off-almost.

"Hobbes?"

"Mmmm?"

"G'night."

"Good night, Calvin."

* * *

The next morning, they awoke, dew gathered on their bodies. Calvin shivered. "Ugh. Should have slept further in." He shook the dew off his body as well as he could. Hobbes yawned, stretched, and arched his back. It took Calvin a few minutes to realize what was about to happen. 

"AHHHHH! HOBBES, NOOOOOOO!" Too late! Hobbes shook himself, spraying water all over the boy. "Ugh!" snarled Calvin.

Hobbes laughed. "So, thus begins our first day as Robinson's successors!"

"Great!" yelled Calvin. "I'll be Robinson, you'll be Friday!"

"What? No way! I'm strong, tough, and hairy! I'll be Robinson! You're pathetic and snivelly! You be Friday!"

"What? You dare call me pathetic? Take this!" With that, he slugged Hobbes, hard.

"Ooooooooo...you'll pay for that!" The ferocious tiger lunged.

Soon, the two were rolling around, biting each other, throwing insults,and generally being chaotic and crazy as usual.

Finally, the skirmish ended. The two bruished and slightly bloody battlers looked up, as if worrying that someone had seen them. No one had. The forest was quiet, except for birds singing tentativelyin the trees. Suddenly, a magnificent buck burst through the greengrowth, coming closer and closer. Calvin and Hobbes stared, openmouthed, as the dollar bill drifted down and settled at their feet.

Calvin grabbed it. "MINE!"

Hobbes tried to snatch it from him. "I want it!"

**RIIIIIIIIIIIIP!**

The bill tore in two, leaving them each with approximately half. They looked at each other, at the bill, then at each other.

"Your fault." They had spoken in unison. They glared at each other. If looks could kill, they'd both be dead as doornails. Luckily, looks couldn't. But claws could. Hobbes raised his paw, the razor-sharp claws extended, and he attacked. Calvin's scream practically laid flat the forest. Ouch.

* * *

"Maybe we aren't fit for this," mused Calvin, nursing his wounded arm.

"Why?" enquired Hobbes, as he rubbed his tail that Calvin had stepped on.

"We fight over a dollar bill! In case you haven't noticed, there are no shops out here!"

"OF COURSE I NOTICED PINEAPPLE HEAD!"

"OH REALLY FURBALL?"

Hobbes lunged, setting a record of three battles between the same people in a day.


	2. Survival With a Rifle

As they nursed their injuries, muttering curses under their breath at each other, Calvin saw a flash of movement out of the corner of his eye. His eyes widened even further than they did before Hobbes pounced him.

"Hey, Hobbes, look, is that a deer?"

"Why, so it is! Forget the rifle! I'll chase it!" Hobbes dropped to all fours and began pounding after the deer. Calvin watched him go. As his tiger friend faded from sight, Calvin suddenly got an uneasy feeling... What if a bear came? What would he do then? Without Hobbes, he couldn't defend himself. No, he had a rifle. It was old, perhaps, but it worked. So he was safe. He'd eat his sandwich now; Hobbes would be bringing a deer anytime soon. Thinking of the juicy flanks, he began to drool.

Hobbes panted as he chased after the deer. It ran fast! Of course, or else it wouldn't be a deer. But still, did any deer run that fast? He didn't believe any did. Perhaps it was only an optical illusion. Perhaps he was just tiring. No, tigers didn't tire. They could run forever! Slowly but surely, the deer was tiring, and he was gaining...

Then he tripped over a tree root.

"That was a humiliation to the entire species of tiger," he muttered as he stood up and dusted himself off. Tigers weren't supposed to trip. The deer had vanished, too, which was really humiliating. Tigers weren't supposed to lose sight of their prey. Sighing, he started back towards their cave. He hoped Calvin had some sandwich left.

Calvin licked the last sandwich crumbs off his fingers. Delicious! He couldn't wait to have a plump deer as his main course.

Hobbes wearily plodded into camp. "I tripped, Calvin, and couldn't catch the deer. Any sandwich left?"

"Uh...no..."

"ARGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Hobbes plopped down on the cave floor.

"Hey, you're Robinson! You need to be tough!" laughed Calvin.

"Who...ughhhhhh...said I was Robinson?"

"You..."

"..."

Calvin flopped down next to Hobbes, and they just lay like that for a few minutes. Finally, Calvin sat up.

"I'm not going to waste the rest of my life just lying here. I'm going to HUNT! With a RIFLE!"

With that, he grabbed the rifle and ran outside, Hobbes following after a moment.

"Calvin! Don't do that! You know nothing about handling a-"

CRACK!

"-rifle."

"Too late..." muttered Calvin as the bullet flew higher and higher, finally hitting a duck, which fell down and down and landed in front of them. There was a momentary pause as they took in the meaning of the sight before them.

"YAY!" screamed Calvin.

"YIPPEE!" yowled Hobbes.

The two of them grabbed the dead duck and started happily back to the cave. Suddenly, the whole flock of ducks spun around and dived, charging straight for the ones who had slain their comrade. They formed into an arrowhead "V," with the ducks who had the pointiest beaks flying in front. At first, the happy boy and tiger didn't notice, until they heard the furious quacking.

Spinning around, they saw the ducks.

"EEEEEEEEEEEK!" screeched Calvin, turning the rifle on them and pulling the trigger furiously. "DIE, YOU FIENDS!"

Bullets shot out of the old rifle like it was a machine gun. One by one, the ducks fell to the ground, dead, and the ones who did not die flew quickly away. The happy duo scooped up the carcasses and started back to the cave, singing a joyful little song as they went.

Little did they know that the rifle was out of bullets! They had wasted all their remaining ammunition killing the mad ducks, and besides, the barrel had been bent out of shape by the furious usage...DUN DUN DUN DUN.

Back at the cave, the two freinds were butchering the ducks. However, they were not doing it with the precision and care of a real butcher. Actually, they were just ripping the bloody meat off the bones and plucking off the feathers. Yeah, that was it.

Calvin had finished with the last duck, when he realized a problem. They had no fire!

That did not bother Hobbes, who was rather hungrily devouring a raw duck wing.

"Ick, Hobbes, don't you think we should use a fire?"

"Huh? Mmmmmmmmm...fire? Oh...yeah..." However, he continued to devour the wing, then grabbed a head and munched that. Calvin  
rolled his eyes.

"STOP EATING RAW DUCK! You just said we should make a fire, so let's!"

And thus began their futile attempts to start a fire with nothing but a rifle and some dead ducks. Oh, and some sticks, too. I think it's obvious what they tried. Yup. Rubbing sticks together while blowing on them. Not that it actually worked. So sad.

So they tried a different way.

And another different way.

And another.

And another.

And they gave up and ate the ducks raw.

I know, disgusting.

After eating all they could eat, they stuffed the remainder of the ducks into a crevice and tossed the bones and feathers out the doorway. Hobbes burped. Not to be outdone, Calvin burped louder. Soon, they were having a burping contest! The louder they burped, the closer came a mysterious shadow that had been tracking their movements ever since they arrived at the forest... But more about that later.

Calvin looked out the cave entrance. The sky was darkening, and he suddenly became nervous. Shrinking back into the cave, he muttered, "Why don't we make a door or something? It's scary to see that darkness out there... I'd like to feel safe and comftorable... Besides, I think something's out there."

"Ungh," grunted Hobbes. "Sure. You make it, I'm tired."

Calvin rolled his eyes. "Fine, we'll make a door tomorrow. But I'll stay awake to keep guard..." He dozed off right in the middle of the sentence.

Soon, both of them were snoring on the ground. A strange shadow appeared at the doorway...


End file.
